Thursday, January 31, 2013

On Being Bullied.

I was bullied in high school. For the majority of my freshman and sophomore year, I was teased in the hallways and called a bitch and laughed at. I failed a bunch of my classes because I skipped school constantly, had very few friends, and withdrew emotionally and mentally. I've been out of high school since 2008 and I am not even remotely over being bullied. Someone screaming, "You're fat! You're ugly!" in your face doesn't go away easily. It doesn't get better. It gets different. I will have social anxiety and panic attacks for the foreseeable future, and although a lot of that is surely biology, I can trace most of it back to high school. High school fucked me up.

When I was a junior in college, I was seeing a therapist who told me that what I think people think of me and what people actually think of me are two entirely different things. I was 20-years old and I legitimately did not believe her.

This is incredibly immature of me. 
Over winter break, aged 22,  I saw a lot of people from high school--and, surprise, they were all cool and nice and fun to hang out with. But in the back of my head was the fact that none of them would have been caught dead with me if it were 2005. I should get over it, right? 2005 was literally eight years ago. I can't. I'm trying. I still have moments when I walk into a room and assume everybody was just talking about me. I don't think those things because I'm self-centered (although I am)--I think them because it actually happened to me, all the time in high school. It wasn't a figment of my narcissistic imagination.

A year or so ago I got a facebook message from the girl who did most of the bullying. I never responded. I never even read the whole thing. I'm bitter and immature and I can still feel the anxiety in my stomach when I drive past my high school. I hate that it still gets to me, that I can, with ease, place myself back at my locker in 2006, to that girl walking past me and making fun of my clothes. My palms are sweaty now. As far as I know, she never got into any serious trouble, and I still hate the teachers and administrators who knew what was happening and chose not to care or do anything about the bullying. I hope it haunts them the same way it haunts me. They aren't--and that motivates me. I want to succeed and stick it in their faces, show them that I made it This far without their help, despite being bullied.

3 comments:

  1. love to you, my darling cousin...I know how it feels. Check your messages on fb.
    xo

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  2. So I was totally unaware. And you'd be shocked how often teacher are. It is sad and believe it or not any of us (myself included) are haunted by the fact that we know statistically that it's happening but that we don't see it.

    I'm sorry you have such awful memories of the place. You were in my first group of students ever... And I still remember talking Veronica Mars with you.

    If I was part of the problem I'm sorry... And would love to know how to stop it for others.

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  3. You seem so happy and cheerful (although I've never actually met you-Ha!) I'm sorry you got bullied. I now want you to succeed though, in order for you to have that day of sweet victory.

    High School for me, wasn't really about bullying. It was more about being used. I have a twin brother and every girl wanted to date him. Girls are shady bitches when they want a man.

    ReplyDelete